Conference Was Normal?

"Conference was just normal" said our 17 year old son right after we finished watching. "Well it was special getting up at four and the hosanna shout but apart from that it was just normal" and then we discussed the special witnesses he and his brother had experienced the week leading up to conference.

So, yeah, I had to agree with him, apart from the Hosanna Shout, the getting up at 4am, the new declaration and our extra special personal witnesses - it was just normal.

• The format was normal apart from the lack of people.

• The talks were normal - prepared, inspired and for us.

• The singing was normal - the Tabernacle Choir at Temple Square except that it was from other conferences. I have to admit I don't appreciate a lot of classical music, especially Baroque music, it just doesn't agree with my ears. Some of the high shrill notes just hurt me physically but that's ok. Some people hate when the choir sing softly, to them it's like nothing and to me it's so rich with undulations in the harmonies I love it. So there was a little something for everyone unless you just hate choir spiritual music.

It was all normal but I felt so thrilled and so filled to have all my family gathered around me at 4am in various states of sleep and wakefulness. It was normal but I felt a tender witnesses of the spirit. It was normal but I managed to make white handkerchiefs on Sunday afternoon for participating in the Hosanna Shout. I was so excited about participating that I messed up and forgot why I was "shouting Hosanna". I was thankful that the little girls just couldn't be woken to join in at that wee hour, so I was going to get a second chance to realise I was shouting praises to my God like his triumphal entry to Jerusalem.

It was exciting when we played President Nelsons talk again for Family Home Evening that same Monday and did the Hosanna Shout together. I was being wonderfully sincere until our 17 year old couldn't contain himself and had to point out that President Oaks was super un-co. I look forward to the day that I can be part of the Hosanna shout without worrying:

• about my own un-co-ness

• my child doesn't worry me about someone else's un-co-ness

• And that I can just glory in my God!

So far I've had 3 opportunities to be part of the shout and one day I'll be fully on to it. I take comfort knowing that not everyone knew what was going on when the Saviour entered the city to the throng of palms and celebration in his honour.

Did we get the witnesses we were seeking? I got my witnesses. My children got their witnesses. It was marvellous and like my 17 year old son said it was normal. Unless you were listening with your heart you would have missed the wonder and enormity of the impact of the conference on our lives. I don't really want to go into detail so in short; I felt the witness of a Book of Mormon prophet, I felt the witness of Joseph Smith, I felt the presence of our Lord, I felt a little chastised, I felt loved and I felt privileged. I also felt exhausted for the rest of the week! Two 4 am mornings took their toll.

I also felt a bit exhausted spiritually, I had just been studying so intensely and then so richly filled that I needed to take things easy for a week or two following conference. Somewhere between starting a course of herbs and multivitamins, beginning the practise of daily yoga and meditation I have found new energy and great desire to re-listen to the conference talks. They are rich. At 4am I was listening - I have the notes in my journal to prove it but I am learning more and more that is pertinent to my family and me. Conference was normal and it's also normal to learn so much from studying the talks following conference also, but the richness of my learning is not normal.

The richness of my ability to respond to concerns that our children have is not normal. My intuition to ask the Lord how to help our sons is faster than it ever has been. I have been blessed by preparing for conference, by attending conference and by studying conference. Yep, conference could seem normal but the results are not normal.

We have been confronted by new challenges in unexpected ways, one of our children has begun experiencing dark self harming thoughts because of feelings of worthlessness and fear of being cut off from God. We could of told our child, "that is ridiculous" and "a bit of an overreaction" or that their standing with God is "fine, stop being such a worrier". Yet independently of one another my husband and I, could respond with clarity, discernment and without fear; to comfort and assure this child of ours of their worth, of their good standing with God and to remind them of how they have felt peace and comfort from the Holy Ghost.

That situation is not nearly over but our alertness to act on the prompting of the spirit with joy to serve this child of ours is keen and ready. We're not scared or exasperated we are ready to help this child of ours overcome what is a big challenge. As I listened again and again to President Nelsons talk entitled Hear Him, I knew the only reason I could know how to act to assure my child was through the preparation I had made to "hear Him". I am filled with gratitude and wonder at how the Lord has prepared me for the challenges he would allow my child to experience.

If you heard that your child had thoughts of stabbing themselves to stop the pain would you want to be ready to "hear Him" to know exactly how to offer solace? These thoughts never even crossed my mind in preparing and continually preparing to be a mother in Zion. I never pre-planned that my child might have dark self harming thoughts. Never. President Nelson described this as "the heart wrenching maze of our mortal experiences." I could be a mess if I was my former self but I'm prepared and unafraid. The promise "perfect love casteth out fear" 1 John 4:18 is coming to fruition in this instance for me. I don't have perfect love, I am not the embodiment of charity but I try and in this instance my preparation and love has been rewarded with knowledge and discernment enough. I am not a mess.

...

I just need to emphasize here that faith without works are dead. If I wasn't ready to watch my child, to notice that something was a little off within this child one Sunday afternoon then worst case scenario a) my child could be dead. Next case (better but still bad) scenario b) my child would hold all these feelings inside occasionally letting out explosive rages but not their true feelings, all whilst continuing to increase in the abyss of lack of worth, isolation and a need to dull the pain somehow. If I wasn't ready to pour time and energy into my child when 45 minutes after I first asked "what's the matter?" then none of the revelation in the world would matter, because what good is revelation if a person intends to do nothing with the light and knowledge given?!

Revelation didn't say "Your kid wants to stab their heart to stop the pain". Nope revelation was like a moment of clarity, looking up from the dishes and seeing the countenance of my child change in a moment. And in that moment my child didn't have the courage or the words to say what was happening. Three quarters of an hour later when I was sitting all comfy in my bed with the iPad, this child was ready and I stopped to listen. This is not a claim to being the best most attendant parent or person ever but I know faith without works is dead and I thank God for instilling the willingness to work within me.

Hours later when we were sending all our children to bed this same child was ready to talk again, this time to their Father and their Father was ready to listen. He could have sent this child to bed but he too recognised the opportunity to hear and go to work. As my husband and I debriefed our day and the time we spent independently with this child of ours, we were grateful for the inspiration of the Holy Ghost that had come to us as we listened and counselled. This child even thanked me for listening and helping them feel better before heading to bed. I thought I had done almost nothing but like conference was normal but not, the moments we had shared were everyday normal but not. When the spirit speaks because we have faith enough to hear we also need to hear in the sense of "hearken", to hear then go and do.

I am assured that my Father in Heaven loved my child before I did and that he will lead me and guide me. In my efforts to hear Christ, the promise made by our Prophet, President Nelson is being fulfilled "... I promise your capacity to feel joy will increase even if turbulence increases in your life." I know I've started a new regime of health practices that help me but none of the joy I'm feeling is independent of the blessings and gifts of Christ to me. All things denote that there is a Christ, my returning health and my joy in serving my children especially my child who is desperate to know he pleases his Father in Heaven, so much that he aches often under the burden of not knowing how to listen to the comfort he does receive. Conference was normal. But it wasn't because my mother burdens are heavier and yet they are lighter and I am joyful in my service.