Charity, Sacrifice & My Inner Ugly

Sharon and I have been studying charity recently. Charity, defined here as the pure love of Christ. I've sat in Relief Society meetings before where charity has been defined as:

"love, it's just love isn't it?"

Nooooo!

I've almost wanted to scream, certainly wanted to interject, charity is loving like Christ loved, like Christ loves and like Christ continues to love. It's not just love because so far my experience in life says that we all suck at loving with pure Christ like love! We can love and we can have the best intentions and we can be spirit led, listen, serve, act and offer - to the best of our abilities but we still fall short of the enveloping love that Christ has. Charity is a life time pursuit. Please don't simplify Charity as "just love" because it takes everything I have sometimes to love like Christ and it takes even more quiet hours of study, pondering, sacrifice and getting over myself to repent and do what Christ would have me do in love; But I never did scream it out because who am I to interrupt hers or yours or anyone else's learning of charity, the exercise of the pure love of Christ (it would be fairly obnoxious to blurt out the way I want charity defined in discussions about charity and to completely reject someone else's personal learning).

The irony of studying charity for Sharon and I, is that as we share the cool things we are understanding, as we share the requirements of charity - we are both being presented with daily opportunities to practise charity. And the bigger irony is that even though I am daily praying for charity, I am always surprised when the lesson presents itself to me! Some days, at the end of the day I can present to the Lord and myself in review, an honest accounting that I achieved some acts of pure Christ like love and other days, like yesterday I presented, the Lord, my husband and Sharon with a spectacular melt down of defiance in the face of achieving charity and determined frustration with a certain 17 year old son!

Said 17 year old, returned home from his weeklong FSY conference yesterday afternoon. At pick up, I hugged nieces and nephews also returning (as opposed to my child). I learned at least 10 years ago, not to interfere with his language of love to fill my languages of love and one of those is not to cheer for him publicly or hug him or do anything particularly positive towards him, I am of course welcome to greet him and speak positive things with him.

I am also welcome to listen to almost never ending stories and accounts and re accounts of stories. I listened to many stories but I forgot, my child doesn't know how to express happy. He never has. I have learned to not cheer or force happy on him, I just haven't learned how to help him express positive experiences. The happiest experience he's had recently is his school ball or bombing at the river. Both wonderful but limited.

So as I listened, I couldn't help but be disappointed as he shared all his negative experiences on repeat. In the negative fog I heard in a backhanded way that after 17 years of wanting "normal" food that other people eat in their homes, that FSY food was so yuck he now knows that he wants his Mums cooking. That was a slightly backhanded compliment. I also heard how my child who is not interested in messing around with girls, learnt about keeping the "Tiger in the cage", I can only assume from conversation that said "Tiger" is a metaphor for desire or arousal or any behavioural choice that might lead to pre marital sexual activities (touching, feeling, sharing syliva, potentially sharing more, etc). I also learned how he had an unwanted opportunity to let the "Tiger" out of the cage when a girl invited him to sneak into the girls dorms. Wonderfully my son thought "I asked you for a dance not you're room number". That is a proud mama moment but in a sea of negative talk for all the prayers I had sincerely offered on his behalf and for all of those involved in FSY including the cooking and cleaning staff, I felt ripped off.

Yes, I was having a "woe is me" mama moment. Boo hoo, my son can't be positive, "all" my hopes for him have been dashed. So began the spectacular downward spiral of me, me, me! Can't I have any blessings answered for my child - why does he have to exhibit all the attributes that I have tried hardest to shun and not pass on!? Again - me, me, me! All of that was followed by doing his laundry, cooking his dinner and making a delicious desert and feeling like a good person I followed it up with a quick moment of friction, contention and disagreement over social media. I managed to follow this up with waiting for him to finish his dinner before I sat at the table to eat mine.

My kind, awesome, patient husband just looked at me, like I might regret my choice of words or outburst later but let me express myself anyway. He even followed me to the room to listen to me express lots of ugly feelings I was suddenly experiencing and didn't judge me for them. Like Shrek he thought they were "better out than in".

My meltdown was spectacular. I have not melted down better in 17 years of being this sons mother - ever! And it was me, me, me, boo hoo me, my son is not responding the way I hoped. My son doesn't reflect anything good about me! My son is a stink bum. Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.

That very morning, I had studied 1 Nephi 3 and seen how Nephi frankly forgave. I saw from my experiences of forgiveness challenges that Nephi could frankly forgive because his brothers saw their wrong (among other things, it is wrong to try to leave your brother tied up in the desert for wild animals to kill) and they sought his forgiveness; their hearts were changed and they repented of that desire. I even testified to Sharon that it's harder to forgive without an apology but that as a mother I had a child, (a different son) who had really helped me to learn to forgive frankly. (This child, was regularly doing special things like flushing his arm down toilets and causing me distress that he regularly felt remorseful for and though I might want to be cross with him, I had learned to say "I forgive you" and let it go right away).

Sharon had shared a Know Why article about what sacrifices Lehi had offered in the wilderness and why? This was written for me!

In his Sermon at the Temple, Jesus taught the Nephites that, before we come before him in worship, we must repent of our sins and seek reconciliation with God and with those whom we may have offended.

Therefore, if ye shall come unto me, or shall desire to come unto me, and rememberest that they brother hath ought against thee—Go thy way unto thy brother, and first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come unto me with full purpose of heart, and I will receive you (3 Nephi 12:23–24; see also Matthew 5:23–24).

No inner turmoil, just a pang of guilt. I had just prayed to tell the Lord all about my dissatisfaction with my child, the one He gave me, that has some ugly traits, that He - God, allowed my child to posess and use to distress my life for 17 years, and also this is hardly fair to me! (Spectacular wallowing.) Shame on me. Forgetting to reconcile with my son. Bedtime prayers were fast approaching, I knew I would be asking what more I needed to do to be ready to partake of the sacrament. Shame on me. Out I marched to offer forgiveness to my 17 year old (who didn't really care that I was quietly and intensely upset and disappointed to anger with him). I felt better. I felt freed.

Upon waking this morning though, I didn't feel better. I felt burdened with frustration with my child still! Whaaaat! Dumb! I forgave him "But you didn't apologise" came the thought. Ooooh! This needed prayer. I am not always so stubborn about saying "I'm sorry" but when I am ... I have a real wrestle within me, with the knots in my stomach that need untangling and to get my body to physically do what my spirit is willing to do. So I prayed and I pondered. I was of course going to apologise. I didn't want to apologise like two of my girls do, by yelling "SORRY" at the offended person in the most un sorry tone possible. I wasn't going to be patronising by declaring sorry whilst still blaming my child for distressing me. (I love this line that Collin Firth says in Nanny Mcphee

"You seem content on distressing me, so now, I am going to distress you"

It describes the exasperation of parenthood well for me).

I also needed to know how to continue in peace. The thought came to invite my son to ask the Lord, "what does the Lord want me to do with my social media account that causes friction between me and my Mum?" That was good. I really don't know the answer God will give my son but I can trust Him. I do trust Him. I also need to acknowledge, for all the negative traits my 17 year old exhibits, he has a fantastic trait to pray and receive answers for himself and decide whether he will act accordingly. There is actually nothing more I can do, short of taking away my nearly adult child's agency (that would be wrong, according to my husband and deep down inside though I've considered this option I know it's not the right to deny his freedom of choice, though the wifi is mine to share), I am happy to trust this learning/teaching to the Lord.

I apologised to my son as we rushed not to be late for church, on the long drive (though a tad nervous) I presented the invitation from the Lord to me - to invite him. He accepted the invitation, willingly and peacefully, this child even thought it was a better way than yesterday's way.

With a view of this son (from the fill in pianist spot behind him), as he knelt to bless the sacrament today, I was mercifully gifted gratitude in my heart for my son, who has been contributing to my refinement and ability to learn, practise and express charity, the pure love of Christ. It was good to put the emblem of bread in my mouth today and eat with gratitude, knowing what I was laying on the latter day altar of sacrifice. I was laying up my ugly, my wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, my woe is me, my son isn't everything I want him to be, my desire to control how he responds to me or life opportunities or times to be obedient. Perhaps I should call this the miracle of the Sabbath day after FSY? Maybe.

It is ironic that I have been studying charity, Lehi's family, their learning of repentance and sacrifice and family - without preparing myself for the potential and inevitable test(s). How did I miss that I was being tested yesterday, obviously because I'm not perfect yet and also because I'm willing to be tested at any moment the Lord sees fit to issue the test. Just because the test sucks doesn't mean I'm not learning the art of loving pure love, Christ like love.

I am struck at how timely this Know Why article that Sharon shared was for me. I had completely missed this lesson in my study - the significance of sacrifice but the Lord was going to teach me the vital role of sacrifice in charity. Following attempted murder, sincere repentance, forgiveness and accomplishing the Lords purpose of bringing Ishmael and his family to join their exodus to the promised land:

Lehi was bringing to the altar sacrifices that would atone for sin, sin that would stain the camp and those within it. And in each case, one can readily detect sin in the prior behaviour of family members, whether it took the form of complaining, family jousts, or the taking of human life. Here, Lehi sought to free his extended family from the taint of unworthiness so that he and they would be able to carry out the purposes of the Lord ...

The practice of animal sacrifice before the death of Christ pointed to the work and blessings offered by our Saviour and Redeemer. It showed that it could only be through Jesus Christ that we could attain lasting peace and reconciliation with God and others. It was also a reminder to all that the cost of redemption from sin was costly. The God of Israel came down among men and suffered and died in order to provide a way for us to return to God’s presence and find happiness there. It cost His life to bring us life eternal.

Following his death, Jesus abolished the practice of offering up sacrifices through the shedding of blood, and he then commanded, “Ye shall offer for a sacrifice unto me a broken heart and a contrite spirit” (3 Nephi 9:19–20). He promised that we can thus be sanctified by the gift and power of the Holy Ghost and have eternal fellowship with God and salvation in his kingdom (3 Nephi 27:19–20).

My sincere desire to be happy was fulfilled only by sacrificing my raruraru, my negative, my woe is me mama moment to the altar of the Lord. My contrite spirit, my willingness to do what the Lord might invite and what he absolutely required in forgiving and apologising. (My hearts broken, it broken for sure on Dec 2, 2017 - so that part is well and truly covered - sounds like an advertisement for my awesomeness but it wasn't fun, a broken heart is an exercise in trusting the Lord beyond any pain or debilitating force I have ever experienced and I will never be whole without Christ, this really helps my desire for staying contrite).

So what else happened following getting over myself and asking the Lord to help me instead of to fix my annoying 17 year old!? I listened to him speak from the pulpit today and for the first time in years, he exhibited the return of his gift for being an orator. He didn't paint FSY as great or terrible, it was good and boring, he cracked funnies, he testified of a truth he learned and how he practised it. He brought the congregation to laughter with his description of "keeping the tiger in its cage" and then he shared his testimony. His testimony not of FSY or from FSY just his testimony of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. That is a precious moment that following my melt down the Lord prepared me to hear. Following church meetings today I was blessed to hear from others at church who felt joy from hearing this child speak.

Shame on me for jumping the gun with all my own ugly - maybe oneday I'll be rid of all the ugly and be better at waiting for good things to come in the Lords time. I had to say to Sharon, Praise Jah, from whom all blessings come. He made me able to extend pure loving actions towards my child, forgiveness, apology, an invitation to act for himself and hear the invitation of the Saviour. My lesson on Charity, the pure love of Christ this week. I was pretty deep in self wallow last night - Praise Jah for his pure love for me, freedom from inner ugly, freedom to keep trying to love; the real pure love, real charity.